Parasite

I really wish i could have seen this at a theater in 3-d. Would have been tight. Im definitely liking what I have seen so far from Charles Band. Peep the line up- Demi Moore,Robert Glaudini,Luca Bercovici and What?! oh SHit! Who Dat?! Vivian Blaine again! awww shit! dat bitch crazy! muffugah played the Psychic in The Dark muffugin directed by John "Bud" Cardos in shit. Some really good "Meant for 3-d" scenes up in dis bitch....oh and did I mention that a fucking mutant parasite blasts out the fucking elderly head of fucking Vivian Blaine courtesy of Stan Winston?!

John "Bud" Cardos Double Feature: The Dark & Kingdom Of The Spiders

Im a sucker for auteurism, and after finding out that Stuntman/Director John "Bud" Cardos (Mutant aka Night Shadows) made both these films I had to check them out. The Dark was originally helmed by Tobe Hooper,but was replaced by John "Bud" Cardos when producers felt hooper couldnt handle it. Its a spooky little film about a serial killer called "The Mangler" who turns out to be an alien zombie who can shoot lasers out of his eyes that make people explode. Sounds perfect right? Well, not exactly. The score is the shit complete with a voice that constantly whispers "the Darrrrrknessssss". The film looks awesome too. Its really dark and there are some genuinely creepy moments. The story does however drag quite a bit and the time span between attacks gets a little long. In between the killings William Devane, Vivian Blaine, Cathy Lee Crosby, and Richard Jaekel entertain us with some damn decent acting and the final showdown is pretty damn awesome in a cheesy way. Oh, and I forgot , Casey Kasem shows up for a little cameo. Overall a decent little movie with quite a bit of character. I think Cardos did well for being a last minute director. Now on to Kingdom Of The Spiders. One of the better "man against nature" type films Ive seen, Kingdom Of The Spiders stars William Shatner as Doctor Robert "Rack" Hansen, a smooth talking Cowboy. When cattle starts dying of deadly venomous bites "Rack" is on the case. Soon Tiffany Boiling shows up and they find themselves knee deep in spiders........a kingdom of spiders. Soon the whole town is under attack and Mr Shatner finds himself held up in a house night of the living dead style. Im not gonna spoil the end but I will say its my favorite part. Overall I felt this film was stronger than The Dark, But they both had alot in common, good actors, good score, and a good Director. Stay up John "Bud" Cardos. Props homie.

p.s.- Keep an eye out for Mutant aka Night Shadows , its a nice little zombie flick directed by Mr. Cardos.

The Dark- 3 out of five exploding murder victims

Kingdom Of The Spiders-4 out of 5 cowboy William Shatners

Head of The Family

Yet another film my mother would not let me rent as a child that I have found and conquered. Head of the family, put out by Full Moon and directed by Charles Band (as Robert Talbot), makes me want to check out more this production company has to offer.So far I have only seen the films full moon did with Stuart Gordon which were awesome. This is a nice little film , the acting was enjoyable. I did feel it was kind of cut of short at the end and I would liked to have seen a sequel because Lance & Myron were dope characters. Overall I liked it yo. stay up yall, peace.

3 and a half out of 5 assburgers

District 9

I'll make this quick. This film is not really a horror film, but it is pretty gruesome, definitely awesome, and just straight up badass. Director Neill Blomkamp & Producer Peter Jackson knocked my socks on my ass with this gory,gritty,sci-fi action thriller. In a world where alien refugees are stranded in Johannesburg, South Africa, moved into ghettos ruled by Nigerian ganglords who believe that ingesting the flesh of said aliens gives you power,alien weaponry makes dozens of MNU soldiers explode and the danger of ingesting an alien fuel fluid that turns you into an alien are present is a world I like. Go see it. its badass.

official Awesome Gruesome seal of approval

The Brain

So I was puffing on a hootah, and I popped in this bootleg of The Brain I picked up at Wizard and I must say it was quite delightful. The Brain is one of those big old 80's forgotten gems with a big fat slice of cheese on top. Its got David Gale(Re-animator,Syngenor),tentacle hallucinations, the punching off of a head, & a giant,growling,pulsating,growing ,man-eating,alien brain who wants to control all of humanity. What more could you want? Its Directed by Ed Hunt who apparently did a few other sci-fi/horror films I have to see now such as Alien Warrior & Bloody Birthday. I always passed this movie up in the video store as a kid and now I finally know that it delivers all the awesomeness the front and back covers promise. I would not be surprised if Anchor Bay, Blue Underground, Elite Entertainment, Synapse, Dark Sky, Something Weird Video, Troma, Retromedia & Shriek Show are fighting over the rights to this film as I type this.

solid B

*warning* a hootah my intensify the awesomeness of this film*warning*

Bruno Mattei Double Feature- Island Of The Living Dead & Zombies: The Beginning

One thing I can say about Director Bruno Mattei with absolute certainty , is that he went out with guns blazing....at a midget zombie. Mattei,well known for films such as Rats ,Zombi 3(Which he Co-Directed with Lucio Fulci), & Hell of the Living Dead, ended his long career with Island of the Living Dead and Zombies: The Beginning( which is supposedly a sequel to Hell of the Living Dead as well as a direct sequel to Island of The Living Dead). Island Of The Living Dead is a throwback to 80's Italian zombie cycles shot on video & Zombies: The Beginning is a re-telling of the film Aliens only with zombies.....literally. If both of these films would have been shot on film they would easily fit along side Mattei's earlier work in the horror genre. Although Island Of The Dead is a Shit Sandwich, I'll be damned if good ole Bruno didnt slip some love up in there. There is some great homages to Lucio Fulci & Amando De Ossario, awful acting , and a character named Snoopy who wheres a Snoopy T-shirt throughout the entire film. Island of The Living Dead plays the same role that Alien did for Aliens which is setting the stage for a superior sequel. Zombies: The Beginning works simply because Bruno Mattei had the balls to completely rip off the Aliens script as well as jack footage from Crimson Tide(unless they paid Viggo Mortenson to make a 30 second cameo) to make his submarine sequence look more convincing. ZTB is also the birthplace of that zombie midget who gets machine gunned I mentioned earlier, as well as home to naked Alien-esque mutant zombie children, a master mind talking brain & an exploding baby head. Its definitely a shit sandwich as well, but a tastier shit sandwich with more atmosphere. Bravo Bruno Mattei, Bravo.

3 & a half shit sandwich's out of 5

R.I.P. BRUNO MATTEI 1931-2007

Bad Biology

I knew that there was no way this movie could live up to the hype that its gathered, but it almost does. Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case,Frankenhooker,Brain Damage) returns to filmmaking after a 16 year hiatus, with the sexually charged Bad Biology. You see, Jennifer has herself a problem, she has six too many clits and gives birth too mutant babies an hour or so after she has intercourse. Batz has himself a problem, his dick is two feet long and can speak telepathically to him. Problems solved. Although not as dark and gritty as Brain Damage or Frankenhooker, Bad Biology has plenty of outlandish ideas and slimy offensive SFX. Four words. Stop motion mutant penis. On top of all that delight, you have R.A. the motherfucking Rugged Man Thorburn(who also makes a cameo)as producer/c0-writer and Prince Paul on soundtrack duty. Also there is a long list of cameos including J-Zone, Vinnie Paz of Jedi Mind Tricks,Reef the Lost Cauze,Beverly Bonner(as usual),Staff Sgt. John A. Thorburn(R.A.'s father) and Remedy. Although I would not say this is Henenlotter's best film, it certainly is a badass comeback and it most definitely fits right in with the rest of his work. Henenlotter still gots it! Hopefully he gots more nam sayin? So if your a fan of Frank Henenlotter's work, mutant genitalia, or any of the hip hop artists involved in this project go buy this dvd immediately! I dont think its out on dvd in the USA yet though so if you want it now you'll have buy the PAL region 2 version, and a region free dvd player like me. This is a must see!

-Four out of five mutant genitals